She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
