His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
