Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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