who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
