I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
