Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize