I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
