Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
