Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize