I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
