im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I looked at my own cervix.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
