420 ftw
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
