You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
