Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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