i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
