I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
