we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
