I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
