Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
