You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
