where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
