New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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