She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
