you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I deserve this hangover.
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