I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
