Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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