I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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