why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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