I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
