standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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