I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My liver just had a heart attack.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
