I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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