so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
