Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
