I haven't been this sober since birth.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
