i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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