I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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