My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
