I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
