Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize