i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it's like iHOP with fire
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize