just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
