Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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