his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
