there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
