My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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