Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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