I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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