Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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