why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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