not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just threw up on my dentist
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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