You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
