i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
