I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
