boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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