Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
