Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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