I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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