You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
