i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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