Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
