My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This is my gift to your gina
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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