What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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