It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
