So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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