She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
