two words: eviction party
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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