i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We had to coat check the pizza.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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