god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
