I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
