Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
