My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
