Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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